Your home is symbolic of your life. You all have to address how you want to live. The act of making concrete and expensive decisions about your home may bring out differences of opinion or even long festering resentments that you never anticipated.
Who is this “family”? A couple, with kids, with kids and pets, with kids and pets and parents – any assembly of people and beasts living under one roof.
Each family works in its own way and you will have to adapt the strategies I suggest to work with your family. But no matter how your family works, You may want to consider a few focused sessions with family therapist to specifically deal with these issues. This is a very different experience than open-ended therapy — it’s closer to a working meeting with an agenda than anything else.
I will, however, state my bias. Every member of the family has some desire that they think will be satisfied by this project and equally every member of the family will suffer to a greater or lesser extent from the project. My position is as follows:
Each family member should achieve at least their most important goal.
The value received for each should be in rough proportion to the pain.
The emotional health of the family at the end of the project should be no worse than when the project started.
Having said this, if in the initial evaluations of the project, the costs, both financial and emotional seem greater than the benefits, perhaps it just isn’t time for this project. Perhaps there will never be a time for the project. Put it on hold, do something really small…wait. Actually, every time I convince a family to abandon or postpone their project, I get points toward sainthood, really!
Stress
Let’s address there areas of stress that might be brought on by your project
- The rest of you life
- Not getting what you had hoped for
- Anxiety of the unknown
The rest of your life.
Is there room in your life for the stress of your project? Most people, especiall mid-life families have a pretty full plate. Once you start, especially construction, it can be hard to stop or even pause. I will talk later about a step-by-step commitment with off ramps. Lighten up your life and make room for the stress and the demands on your time. There will be plenty of both.
I was referred by a mutual friend to a young couple who wanted to renovate an old Victorian home that they had just purchased. When I arrived at our first meeting I was greeted at the door by an obviously pregnant woman. After talking with her and her husband I learned that she was due in four months, both had new jobs and her mother was going to move in to help with the new baby. They wanted to redecorate rooms for the baby and the mother-in law, a bathroom and renovate the kitchen, hopefully before the baby arrived. Of course, they had to be careful since they were on a tight budget. By any measure of family stress, this couple already had at least five of the all time sources in their life: I talked them into delaying their project. As it turned out, it was two more years before they even started the work and their ideas had evolved and they did something completely different.
Another couple that I knew started their renovation under similar circumstances. The twins arrived early, in midwinter, there was no working bathroom or kitchen. They moved in with her parents with the baby until the work was complete. Nobody was thrilled with that.
Not getting what you hoped for.
At some point one of you may realize that they are not going to get what you want from the project. This may not be not obvious at first and sometimes isn’t apparent until the work is underway or even complete. So, I am going to suggest the following:
Each family member should write down everything that they want from the project, how they want their house to be. Getting down to each person’s basic and most important needs from a project may not be as easy as it seems. Each person needs to state clearly just what is most important to them. I know that often you have been dreaming, talking and arguing about this project, perhaps for years, but I think that you may be surprised at what your partner actually writes down. Please remember the kids, especially the adolescents, they will suffer to.
Start with the most general idea. For example, “a place to give formal parties” is a general idea. There could be many solutions including expanding the living room, a new family room or combining the living room and dining room. Don’t try to solve your problem now, that will happen in the Design process and you will have help. Now, arrange your wish list in order of priority, noting things that are “absolutely essential to you”.
I’ll start your list for you by speaking for the house and the pets.
Priority #1 for the house, all of those maintenance items that never get done, that just keep getting worse and more expensive to fix; the roof, the broken sewer, not enough electrical circuits, the sump pump (in the west, seismic foundation bolts) and last but not least, more storage, always more storage.
Priority #1 for the dog or cat, a place to sleep in the sun, a place for my dinner bowl out of the way and a door I can use myself.
Now a sample of things that might be on your list:
My own bathroom
A dressing room away from the bedroom
A place to play my (guitar, drums, tuba, computer games) where you can’t hear me. (This is likely to be on a parents and kids list too)
My own private entrance (for your teenager, fat chance!)
A garden with good sun
A fenced yard
A window seat in the sun
A workshop
I want to see (don’t want to see or hear) the TV from the kitchen
Beautiful wood floors
More of an open feeling to the outdoors
I don’t like the tract house feel
Get rid of the dining room wall paper
I want to loose 20 lbs.
I want to live in a one room yurt with no electricity
I want to move out and not see any of you again.
You can see that there are different kinds of concerns. Some are functional concerns and require additional or rearranged space; some are “repairs”, some are aesthetic and some of our needs cannot be met through renovation. Each one of these kinds of needs could be most important to one family member and of zero concern to the others.
That was the easy part, now you have to combine the lists. I can’t really help here. You need to work this out yourselves, but make sure that each of you have your “essentials” near the top of the list.
At this point you may have only a vague idea of how much of this list that you will be able to afford, but we will get to that soon. See The Budget Game. This list becomes the Contract among the family members. Whatever it takes and however it works out these are the agreed upon plans and priorities Don’t rush, make your list, let it age. Look at it again and revise it. You are allowed to change your mind.
Not all things have to wait for “the project”. Now that you are in the lets take action, spend money mode, there is a lot to be said for starting small with a mini project. The experience could help when you embark on the major project.
Now, this sounds too easy and rational and it is. Even assuming that your are able to arrive at a list and are still speaking, you will either loose the list, ignore the list or only invoke it when it is to your advantage. Also you will change your mind and renege on your agreement. Even with a normal portion of goodwill any of the above could happen. We all change our minds, our ideas change as we work on the project and we just flat make mistakes. All I can say is that changes made earlier are better than changes made later. However, even costly changes are often worth it since you and your family are going to live with this house for a long long time. Expect change, budget for change and you will be better able to deal with it.
Also, and I speak frankly, not all of us speak firmly and hold up our end of the family negotiation. We may not be getting what we want and only speak up after things have gone too far or not at all. Remember this isn’t a competition, everybody needs to get what they want out of the project. Out-negotiation your family is no victory.
Anxiety about the unknown
Everybody has this and has some concern that you don’t know what you’re doing and the project is out of control. If you haven’t started yet, there is hope. Keep modest expectations of what you can achieve and allow yourself plenty of time. Also, talk to lots of people. Horror stories shouldn’t make you anxious. Ask lots of questions, you can learn from other’s mistakes. If you just picked this up in mid-crisis, hang on. You can’t fix everything but this should help you to cut your losses and survive to the end.
Under promise and over deliver – You can dream but keep your expectations about what you can achieve modest. I’ve just suggested that you dream, write down all of your wishes for your home, thrash out all of your priorities, think about how you want to live. However,for most of us, our dreams are bigger, probably much bigger, than our wallet. As you proceed with your planning, accept that some things just won’t get done … this time.
In addition to getting less than you expect, you will have to work harder for it than you had planned. You will have to spend time on your project every week, for months, maybe a year or more. There will be weeks that you ought to spend 20 hours. This is like a job. Doing a good schedule can help you gauge the time you will need to spend. This is where THE SCHEDULE GAME will help.
Project Manager. Who draws the short straw?
Somebody has to be the leader and somebody has to start
Consider this:
You both want it to happen
- One person is too busy with the family or work
- One preson simply isn’t cut out to do the work
There is a big gap in motivation to do it at all
- Passivly OK with it but not willing to engage
- Actively antagonistic.
You have to deal with this first.
Then, at the heart of your family’s process is the role of the family Project Manager.
There will most likely be one member of the family who takes, or upon whom is thrust, the responsibility for making the project happen. They are the ones who will or should think about the project every day, who do most of the work and coordinate with the designer and contractor. They work very hard to come up with solutions and reach closure with all of the people working on the project. Your family should decide early on how this role will be filled. If you dodge the bullet, offer to help out often, it can be more effort than any of you anticipate. This is written from the perspective of a pretty big project, the same concerns apply to building a deck or even painting the house. It just has lower stakes.
One word on communication. Often times we don’t communicate to our spouses, kids or pets what is going on with the project and how decisions have been made. Often times the spouses and kids and especially the pets just don’t want to listen. The Project Manager will go through a very challenging process trying to make all the pieces fit together. This always involves compromises . After all that work, they present the result proudly to their family and not one of them likes what was done. Faced with this reaction one tends to be hurt and argumentative.
“Well if you don’t like it you can do it yourself” It is only natural when you work very hard and feel that you have made difficult choices and other people, who haven’t even been involved, come in and say they don’t like what you did. Ha! Who needs them?. Often times you can’t actually remember why you made a particular decision, or maybe your process wasn’t very good. Be patient, even though you did “all of the work,” your partner and kids have to live with the result too. You are not a professional at this, don’t feel bad if you screw it up a little.
“I don’t want the door to the bathroom door opening off of the family room! Why is it off the family room? That’s dumb.” The answer, “ahhhh… I don’t remember, but it was the only way, get off my back.” Here is a better answer, “Here is the sketch showing it opening off the hall, dear. See how the bathroom doesn’t work as well. See how you look right in the door of the bathroom from the front door and that wall would be a great place for an art piece Also, the plumbing line is longer and could cost a lot more. I thought that this was a better solution, but if you really don’t like it we’ll ask the architect to see if there is a better solution.”
What does this example show? Firstly: keep records of what you do and why, you may think that you will remember, but you won’t. Secondly: don’t feel that you are loosing ground if you revisit design decisions, especially, in the early going. It’s just paper. Design decisions are hard and there is a tendency to give up, even among professionals. If you are uncomfortable with the design, keep at it until you are satisfied or you are sure that this is a good as it will get. And finally, feel free to blame the Architect, that’s one of the reasons you hire them.
After clearly describing why you made a certain decision, you may get agreement or disagreement. As Project Manager you have to be prepared that maybe your partner or worse yet, your kid actually has a better idea. For non-Project Managers, if you win the point, don’t rub it in, you could get the job. It is much better for a win-win solution in your family than to have one or the other of you constantly and forever living with (and complaining about) something that they just hate. Keep at it until it is right.
(Note: I have my bathroom door off the family room and I know why I did it, I wouldn’t let my wife talk me out of it. I made a mistake and I will regreted it as long as I lived in that house.)
Denial
To some extent, some or all of you will ignore good advice and not do the work that you know should be done, hoping that the project will just work out on its own.
“Is there already too much stress in this family? No, we can handle it.” Denia – Because you want a nice house so badly.
“It seems that the project is beyond the budget but lets keep going and hope that we are wrong.” Denial – Bids never, and I mean never, miraculously come in lower than expected. Hope is not a strategy
It is true that an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters will eventually write all of the great works of literature, but they will never finish your renovation. The universe tends toward chaos and so does your project. Treat this project like a job, one where your boss is the meanest most exacting taskmaster on earth. Apply yourself, work hard and listen to your inner Project Manager.